March 13th again

twentytwo

I'm finally one year older.

At twenty-one I felt like I still had all the time in the world to find myself, to get to know who I am. But twenty two hit me so hard and so quickly I did NOT know how to respond.

Being twenty-two and being so lost definitely does not feel good.

It's crazy how one year could make me feel so different. I wasn't afraid to tell people my age last year and suddenly now it feels almost like I'm embarrassed of my own age. Maybe it's because I feel like I haven't done things important enough to be 22? Maybe it's because I feel like I haven't experienced enough to be 22?

But me writing this down has just made me realise what my actual problem is - caring too much about what the society would think of me. I feel like I'm somewhat ... pressured to "experience more". To feel unnecessary feelings, to do things that I personally do not even like doing, to want to not feel left out? This might just be my fomo playing me.

It's somewhat paradoxical though; because I thought wanting to try everything and being open to everything is not conforming to what society wants, but I did it without realising that this itself is just me falling into societal pressures because I was not fully comfortable of who I am.

But who am I?????? Im lost. And it's fucking scary. I don't really know what I want. I don't know where I'm going in life. I have become so unopinionated about so many things that it's hard for me to know WHAT I am anymore...

And what's scarier is that I feel like this will be a constant struggle for me. I will forever be stuck in this position where I am confused and lost.

Because... maybe... this is who I am. :/ I'm sorry I'm not happy, bubbly, confident, everything the world wants from a 22 year old girl.