Record ii

Haven't been sleeping much lately.

I lay in bed for hours everyday, waiting, anticipating for myself to fall asleep, to just black out. But the more I wait, the worse it gets. I know that I shouldn't be forcing myself. I know that it's unhealthy but things just aren't as simple.

and last night, i was thinking about a whole bunch of things (also includes having another existential crisis, as if i haven't had enough of those).
- i was sad that i can never convey my thoughts in words
- then i started thinking how i could never understand people who just don't feel the things that i feel. music, poetry, words - these things make me feel in such a deep level i can't explain
- i started being envious of them
- maybe things would be so much easier if i lived life as straightforward as them
- then suddenly i started to think of that one friend that i've lost
- i guess i thought i was okay with not having a closure and just let things run its course
- but apparently im not okay with it
- i started thinking if i should talk things out
- but i was scared
- i was scared that i would come across as vulnerable
- as pathetic
- i was scared that he would judge me
- as someone who doesn't have friends and hang onto past friendships because they're the only things that i have in life
- and i was thinking... he wouldn't be wrong
- i was thinking maybe im just too pathetic and i have no life
- because i've turned into someone who people just don't wanna be friends with
- because im uninteresting
- and then i was thinking why the hell am i so attached.
- when all of these don't matter
- at all.
- then my mind suddenly just started wandering off to different issues
- such as how rich people will always be the privileged ones
- i look back to the town where i was living in
- not many people have the means to learn what i've learned because they just simply wasn't exposed to things like these early on in life
- i really can't blame them
- and then i started thinking why do people always just assume that studying overseas means you're better
- why are we so hard-wired to think that everything english is better
- why
- and then i got reminded that everything happens
- out of cause and effect
- i tried to make sense out of it
- i hope that one day i will truly unerstand
- and so many racial issues, so many prejudices, so many things will one day resolve

and you ask, what is the point of me writing this.
i have no readers anyway lol but
I read somewhere that insomnia happens when you're not using as much energy (be it mentally or physically) in the day and so you spend the rest of your night wanting to compensate that. so i figured, maybe writing all my feelings out in the daytime would help me sleep better at night.

also, im proud to say that i started meditating again today.

i totally understand how people don't get meditation. it's probs because they don't need it. but when you're a fucked up person like me, meditating does do you some good. it helps slow down your thoughts and just makes you a more reasonable person. with all the messed up stuff going round in the world lately, it's great that i can find some kind of outlet to depend on, to find some reasons as to why all this shit is happening.

lost

i think i've truly lost the meaning of life.
lost.
some people live for love
some people live for music
some people live for science
some people live for money
but what do i live for?

Record

- bawled my eyes out tonight thinking how i've lost my aunt and im not even home to say goodbye
- cried more when i thought of the fact that i'd be losing more people in the future
- cried again because im not good at goodbyes
- cried even more when i thought of all the people whom i've lost along the way (to death or just to time)

hurt

wow turns out some people did hurt me more than i thought they did.

And this is for you.

So, so you think you can tellHeaven from Hell,Blue skys from pain.Can you tell a green fieldFrom a cold steel rail?A smile from a veil?Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to tradeYour heros for ghosts?Hot ashes for trees?Hot air for a cool breeze?Cold comfort for change?And did you exchangeA walk on part in the warFor a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.We're just two lost soulsSwimming in a fish bowl,Year after year,Running over the same old ground.What have we found?The same old fears.

Wish you were here.

Da Yi

Writing this to commemorate my beautiful beautiful aunt who just passed away this morning from lymphadenoma. It's been a long run Da Yi but you've lived a great life. And my best wishes and prayers are with you.

I'm sorry if I've never told you this before but thank you so much for everything. Especially the support that you gave me when I was having rough times during my teenage years. You might not even remember it but you listening to me and giving me such substantial advice and a peace of mind was the moment I knew we could connect. Even if it was just me being a teenager and having emo "existential thoughts", you listened when mom was too afraid of me being depressed. I don't even know if you know this but me and my sister would always look forward to dropping by your house/you coming to ours to do random stuff with us. Watching shows on tv, eating durians, talking about your grandkids, talking about school, your children, petty parent-and-children relationship problems (which both of our families had hahha) lol, I will never know if you felt the same way about us but I really felt like you were our second mother.

I'm so happy and proud to say that you're my aunt and I'm sure the love that you have showered everyone with who has met you will always live within us. I love how even though your selflessness and your kindness clearly brought you into trouble sometimes, you have never stopped being a great person to everyone. I wish I could've told you this earlier though - to not worry too much about everyone else and to take better care of your own well-being, but maybe that's just the way you are, and that's what makes you such a great mom and such a great teacher. Thanks for the times you've spent with us and thanks for having such a great impact in our lives. I'm so grateful and thankful to have been your niece and to have the chance to be so close with you. I didn't even notice that you've been such a huge part of my life. I'll miss you.

Home will never feel the same without you.

It has actually never struck me that you'd leave so soon. Really. Even at the age of 65 you were still so youthful and energetic.

But I guess this really is a wake up call. With both of my grandparents and a few of my uncles and aunts gone, I've just come to realise how much I've grown up and how much time has passed.