always confused : May 2015

So it's been almost three months since I've been here, in this foreign city which I have gradually learned to call 'home', but it still seems like a dream to me, all of these: studying in a city 8 hours away from home, and most of all, actually studying what I want. (I still remember being so afraid and paranoid that I won't be accepted into any of the universities I applied to and have also considered selling burgers for a living at some point in my life)

I wouldn't say that life here has been entirely easy, and I will not sugarcoat it. I don't know if it's just me, but I have problems making friends with almost everyone I meet here, lol, but I guess it takes time for me to open up to people and to really accept people in my circle of friends. Plus, being an international student can be tough at times. Coming from a different country means that you have different lifestyles, different cultural backgrounds, different topics that you talk to your friends about, different accents. Basically it just means being different. But what I have learned is that you don't have to necessarily be the same with the others to blend in with them. It's so cliche - but sometimes being yourself is better than enough. If you are able to love yourself, to love who you are, to love where you come from, to acknowledge that you are indeed different, people will accept you for who you are too. And I am not going to lie, I have faced so many difficulties in making friends here because of my language ability. I refuse to speak in groups or in the public, fearing that they might laugh at my limited vocabulary, my sloppy grammar; and all these things have made me lose myself entirely. I was no longer the 'funny and bubbly' girl. I was even described as a person who is 'constantly holding myself back'. But now I am slowly learning to put the fear aside, and just be who I am again. I really cannot stress how important this is. And I am thankful that I have people who have inspired me to be better and to break out of this cage that I have put myself into. And I am now lucky enough to say that I've found a couple of friends whom I really have grown to like. But yes, I still have a long way to go, and I will be constantly learning, everyday.

Oh, and I joined Med Revue this year! I've never even heard of 'revue' until I came here hahaha. Wth, I didn't even know it was a word. hahaha. (sorry, to those who don't know, pls google it yourself, tq, too lazy to explain lol.) Lol, me joining revue actually is really ironic. Despite not being able to talk to people in classes, I've decided to join this massive show production where I have to act/dance/sing in front of a crowd. wtf, yes, i danced, in public, for the first time. (and I LOVED IT, i loved being part of a dance where everyone's so synchronised and everything looks just so beautiful *cries*) I didn't really enjoy the rehearsals at first, because well, me being me, I was shy and all introverted and didn't have many friends there. But I forced myself to get out my comfort zone and now I have no regrets for not pulling out and staying. Even promo-week (where we had to talk to random strangers to tell them about Med Revue a.k.a the worst part of revue) had taught me so much. It gave me opportunities to talk to actual strangers and to strike random conversations with them. I actually had a fun time doing it. Of course, the beginning was always hard. Trying to scan for friendly people to talk to on the lawn like hunters searching for preys was really awkward tbh, lol. You just stand there in the middle of the lawn and start scanning. And then you approach people so suddenly and haha, the looks on their faces when you walk towards them are always the best. That O___O face. But usually they're friendly, and will talk to you about A LOT of stuff. Haha. I had the best conversation with 2 girls on the lawn talking about Malaysian food and long names. I actually forgot what their names were but that was certainly one of the best conversations I've ever had. And the people whom you've talked to actually do remember you! And them smiling at you when you're walking around in uni is actually the best thing. :D 2 of them even left me messages after they came to watch the show. *cries again*

I also had my first hospital visit last week, and am really glad to have met 2 really friendly patients who were kind enough to let us do history taking on them. Their stories were unexpectedly inspiring!! Oh, and it has certainly taught me not to judge a book by its cover. Some patients may seem unfriendly at first, but if you really try to talk to them, they actually have wonderful personalities and have amazing stories to tell. (This is what I've learned during promotions week for MedRevue too, and promos really made this whole history taking process easier). That aside, that first hospital visit really reminded me of why I have opted this career path out of so many other choices. And it's really good that my university lets us do clinical visits from our very first year, because no matter how firm you think you are, sometimes, you tend to forget the reason behind making the choices you make and doubt yourself. And these clinical visits (to me) serve as a great reminder of why you have made this choice.

Oh well, I should probably start studying now, because I have not studied in a while and I actually have lots to do, shit. kbye.