in the hopes

In the hopes of reviving my ability to write, I dug up my old blog posts so I could remind myself how I used to write but I cringed SO HARD it almost persuaded me to not write instead. To think that I used to just write and have the courage to post it up on the internet is truly... astounding to me. I really had no fear back then. 

If I had a baby then, the baby would've be 10 years old now, a full grown child. 

Anyway, it's 2026 now and I thought it would be nice to write down some things that's happened to me in the past few years that I've stopped writing my blog. Things have happened but have I changed? Maybe slightly but I think deep down inside the bad parts of me have not. 

I graduated uni and I've been working (also passed the first part of my specialist exams) for the past 6 years now and looking back at my old blog posts - I don't really think I've changed. I'm just as miserable as ever - i still think life is meaningless and pointless. I hate work now just as much as I hated studying and being in school. I think I used to hate studying because I feel like I was forced (by myself largely) to excel and to get a scholarship (which i did lol) so I could leave malaysia and find greener pastures and to experience greater things. But really, achieving that got me no where because now I am just as miserable as before! I'm really not saying that things could've been better if things were different, but I am saying that I cannot escape myself and really, I am the issue here. 

(Also, I'm really procrastinating here - I need to do all this "life stuff" because I'm moving cities but I just refuse to do any of this shit.)

After all these years, some things have changed for the better - I guess. I actually found someone in my life that I now call "my partner". That is weird for me to say because I dont think I really envisioned myself with anyone and I just didnt think that was possible when I was younger. But it's funny because I stumbled upon one of my older posts saying "i want to marry my best friend, where are they?" and that was weird to think about because I dont remember ever feeling that way. He loves me but I don't think he understands me fully. He does not understand how much I hate life and why and he interprets it as me not loving him enough but maybe he is right - maybe I'm just too selfish and all I can thnk about is how much I hate living life and I have no capacity to really think about how he loves me and what that means. 

It's all very cringy for me but i am turning 31 this year but loving a complete non-blood related human is still so weird for me to think about. 

Speaking of my age, I am also so sad that I'm turning 31 this year. I don't quite understand why people seem to think that being in their 30s is the best era. Perhaps with age, people become more sure of themselves and they are more secure about what they've achieved in life. But for me, the reminder of my age reminds me of what I have yet to achieve and the fact that I've looked at my old blog posts and I felt like I'm still my angry self, just really disappoints me. All that's changed is that I have accumulated wrinkles on my face and I look older.

Although, looking back at the small things in life, I have achieved some minor things. I've consodliated my friendship with my sister since she's moved here. We have been distant since I've moved and we had been living such different lives but now that she's moved here perhaps we can be more in sync. I have gained some friendships that might last a lifetime - I will never know but I would hope so. Perhaps you can say that me passing my exams is an achievement but I don't quite know why I don't see it as that. Is it because I see no light at the end of the tunnel still and I would still bear the possibilites of being jobless at the end of it? 

If anything, me being able to run and complete a 5k run is more of an achievement to me compared to me passing my exams? I also ran a half marathon last year but strangely enough, I don't see the point of running more marathons. I want to also be fitter and stronger (but here I am, typing on my computer and not doing weight training when I can).

As much as I hate life, I have to live it anyway so I might as well set some aspirations this year. 

read more - i know i wouldn't end up reading that much, but it would be nice to do so. 

study more and maybe set some career goals and aspirations this year - i have been unmotivated in my medical journey this far and while people have excelled and set goals to go overseas for fellowships (as much as i want to), i really have not been trying that hard. high school me would've been really disappointed at myself. 

i dont really know if i want to be happier because i feel like im the happiest when im angry at life. i want to be able to rant unashamingly and hate life loudly so no, i will not say that i want to be happier and less angry about things. 

and lastly, to write more and to create more. I bought a fujifilm tx4 and have a film camera but i also have not been shooting as much / developing my films. but perhaps I should. 

YES. CHILL THE FUCK OUT. MY GOD. KEEP ME BUSY. KEEP ME OCCUPIED. PLS HELP.

Reevaluate.

Wow I really need to reevaluate my life at this point. I know I'm being manipulated but I let it happen. Why though? Maybe because I'm actually too bored and just want to see where this would lead me to. 

Why do I feel this way about trivial matters like these. I should not. 

we all need ears but i guess sometimes you really don't know if people actually want to hear about your problems or not....

2017

this is definitely long overdue and i didn't even plan on doing this but i just watched theresatran's video on her being 22 and got really inspired so i figured why not.

2017 has been a year of growth honestly. i've grown to learn more about myself (albeit not fully) though i understand that it’s not anything special that ive grown a little after 365 days bc well you're bound to learn at least one thing about yourself by the end of the year anyway haha. it's also been a year of solidifying lots of old friendships. i might not have made many new friends this year but i've grown to be more comfortable about that and i've also learned not to be too hard on myself for not being like everyone else. 

2017 has also been a year where i celebrated chinese new year without my aunt; which was weird. it never really hit me that she's gone but going home and actually experiencing her absence in my hometown where she was always there made me realize that she is actually gone. i rly want to ask her sons and her grandchildren about how they feel about it but i really never had the courage to do so. it seems silly to say this but i hope her grandson never forgets how much she loved him and i hope she remains forever in his memory. 

2017 is also a year of me losing all my photos and videos of concerts because my phone died and i did not fucking backup anything lol. but this is when i realized that hey, digital photos on my phone don't rly matter. they'd all disappear one day anyway. maybe i should get back into film and really get to printing all the pictures i took in korea lol. 

oh hey and i also attended some concerts! 

1. tdcc & last dinos (yes last dinos again)

2. noname (alone!) 

and they were awesome. it's also a year where i realized that i rly love attending live events. And going to concerts alone dont seem as scary anymore. well if anyone thinks that im weird when they see me standing alone at concerts, im not gonna lie, i am. im probably feeling lonely af too. but i find that these experiences rly help me grow accustom to the feeling of loneliness and i dont feel as bad about it anymore. ofc it’s not a nice feeling but it's defos not the only bad feeling there is in this world. so if you’re put in a position to feel that way, what else can u do about it other than to accept it right?? i've also watched tons of movies in the cinema alone this year too but unlike going to concerts alone, going to the cinemas alone is actually enjoyable. i definitely like going to watch movies alone more than going with friends where i have to watch what i dont want to watch. i also like to feel like im THERE when im spending money to watch movies on a big screen and i dont think that’s achievable when you go watch movies with other people where it’s more of a socializing event than going to watch THE MOVIE itself. (lol maybe bc i dont have friends who actually enjoy watching films)

and in the year of 2018, i'd be turning 23. it's crazy being past 20 but i guess age rly doesnt make a difference. nothing much will change as per my current life situation lol. idk if it's just me but as im older now, im starting to put less expectations on how my life will turn out to be and i realize that going into a different year really isn't any different than going into another day. i guess people do reflections on new years bc it's just nice to have a day where you can look back and reflect and try to make sense of things that have happened in ur life, u know, just once in a while.