guess everyone else's struggling after all.

i know there's a fine line between knowing your own faults and working on it vs being insecure all the time. but can someone pls tell me if what im feeling all the time is actually problematic or is it just an indicator that i JUST NEED TO START IMPROVING MYSELF AND RISE ABOVE OTHERS??????

i know that i'm certainly not fat or overweight but im not thin and skinny or fit. i do not have chiseled abs. i do not have a thigh gap. i do not have a bikini bod. and i know that these things are certainly achievable. it's just that i NEED to make an effort to obtain these goals. i am now trying to restrict my food intake, i work out too (sometimes), and what i'm doing is done moderately. but i'm just starting to question myself if this mentality is in any way.... unhealthy? I feel like I've become obsessed with looks? I feel like... I am always not enough?? And I'm confused to when to stop feeling this way??? Do I still have to make improvements???? And when is this going to stop???? I mean I am of course aware that people have to improve themselves all the time, and learn new skills and grow and whatever shit????? But?????????????? When does this stop? I feel like it never stops does it?? TBH for me to actually have the motivation to do something, I feel like I always I have to feel bad about myself first, and I feel fucking sick of this feeling now. wtf. i know i'll gain something out of the effort in the end but HOW DO I STOP MYSELF FROM FEELING THIS AND JUST GET TO WORK ON WHAT IM SUPPOSED TO WORK ON?

holy shit and i am also constantly envious about other people's skills?? like.... okay don't laugh but i like to sing but i am very aware that I CANNOT FUCKING SING. WTF. im not tone deaf yeah, but i am not good either.................. and i've also come to realise that... it's not actually something that you can work on? a person's voice can be powerful and everything and she can hit high notes but it's different from a person who naturally has a nice voice? the raspy, soothing voice that i want??????? tell me???? how to obtain that??????? *bawls eyes out*

oh but im happy that i've actually come to the point where i don't give a damn about my facial features anymore. i know that im fucking ugly; and with makeup i actually look worse wtf, but yeah it's fun and i still do it occasionally, just to scare people, u know. wtf.

but idk man, this is a struggle. i don't actually know the difference between being complacent and being grateful with what you have anymore. i wish i were much simpler and not overthink this but i srsly think tumblr has fucked me up big time with their 'girls with insecurity issues' hahahaha. maybe i just need to fucking work out and get that body that i want so much and stop thinking if this is actually unhealthy.... maybe this is just another excuse for me to skip workouts. fuck.

Film 2016

I decided to venture into the whole analogue #35mm photography scene last year and asked around if anyone had old point and shoot cameras that were still functional. I was fortunate enough that my aunt still had an old yashica t4 which she hasn't used at all ever since she bought her first digital camera and even though I know that I don't really get to learn much about shooting film using a point-and-shoot, I'm still glad that I have something to play with. So when I got back to Australia, taking photos using this camera became a valid reason for me to explore more of Sydney.

Alexandria on The Grounds

I'm not gonna lie, shooting film is expensive and impractical. But I'm happy to spend money on film because of the sentimental value of the pictures. Somehow, the pictures feel more alive and every photo that you take becomes physical. Yes I am aware that I probably sound awfully pretentious here but if you're a 'hopeless nostalgic' like me, I'm sure you'd understand exactly what I mean.

Coogee Beach

If you're in Sydney, it's impossible to not visit the beaches here. And I'm glad that I live near one. Coogee beach is so accessible that I can just walk there from where I live.

Be sure to do the coastal walk from Coogee to Bondi if you're here. It has an incredible view and I love how it always feels like summer when you're by the beaches.

MOCA

Don't miss out the Museum of Contemporary Arts too. I've only been there twice but it's a nice place to hang out with your friends because they have exhibitions which are free. Definitely check out their website to learn more about the exhibitions they have before going. They have pretty cool merchandise too. But um I've never gotten one because I'm just too broke to buy any of them. Also, don't you just love this Grayson Perry quote they have on their window?? 

Krispy Kreme

And here I present to you a hidden gem in Sydney - the Krispy Kreme factory shop. It's NOT like any other Krispy Kreme branch. This one in Mascot (near the airport) is actually a factory shop and the donuts here are freshly made IN the shop, behind glass windows so you can observe the whole process. I love it. The interior has this retro vibe and getting to witness how the donuts are made makes me feel like a 6 year old again. The first time I was there I just literally stood there with all the other children in the shop, gasping in awe. We were all very much fascinated by the machines and the workers who donned krispy kreme paper hats. And um yes, the kids were cute, I was not.

with my housemate

Newtown is actually my favourite place to go to in Sydney. With numerous antique shops and random boutiques/thrift shops, it's honestly the best place to spend your weekends.

Newtown

In some cafe in Newtown

And I love how they have random artwork on the walls.

Newtown 

I LOVE THIS.