in the hopes

In the hopes of reviving my ability to write, I dug up my old blog posts so I could remind myself how I used to write but I cringed SO HARD it almost persuaded me to not write instead. To think that I used to just write and have the courage to post it up on the internet is truly... astounding to me. I really had no fear back then. 

If I had a baby then, the baby would've be 10 years old now, a full grown child. 

Anyway, it's 2026 now and I thought it would be nice to write down some things that's happened to me in the past few years that I've stopped writing my blog. Things have happened but have I changed? Maybe slightly but I think deep down inside the bad parts of me have not. 

I graduated uni and I've been working (also passed the first part of my specialist exams) for the past 6 years now and looking back at my old blog posts - I don't really think I've changed. I'm just as miserable as ever - i still think life is meaningless and pointless. I hate work now just as much as I hated studying and being in school. I think I used to hate studying because I feel like I was forced (by myself largely) to excel and to get a scholarship (which i did lol) so I could leave malaysia and find greener pastures and to experience greater things. But really, achieving that got me no where because now I am just as miserable as before! I'm really not saying that things could've been better if things were different, but I am saying that I cannot escape myself and really, I am the issue here. 

(Also, I'm really procrastinating here - I need to do all this "life stuff" because I'm moving cities but I just refuse to do any of this shit.)

After all these years, some things have changed for the better - I guess. I actually found someone in my life that I now call "my partner". That is weird for me to say because I dont think I really envisioned myself with anyone and I just didnt think that was possible when I was younger. But it's funny because I stumbled upon one of my older posts saying "i want to marry my best friend, where are they?" and that was weird to think about because I dont remember ever feeling that way. He loves me but I don't think he understands me fully. He does not understand how much I hate life and why and he interprets it as me not loving him enough but maybe he is right - maybe I'm just too selfish and all I can thnk about is how much I hate living life and I have no capacity to really think about how he loves me and what that means. 

It's all very cringy for me but i am turning 31 this year but loving a complete non-blood related human is still so weird for me to think about. 

Speaking of my age, I am also so sad that I'm turning 31 this year. I don't quite understand why people seem to think that being in their 30s is the best era. Perhaps with age, people become more sure of themselves and they are more secure about what they've achieved in life. But for me, the reminder of my age reminds me of what I have yet to achieve and the fact that I've looked at my old blog posts and I felt like I'm still my angry self, just really disappoints me. All that's changed is that I have accumulated wrinkles on my face and I look older.

Although, looking back at the small things in life, I have achieved some minor things. I've consodliated my friendship with my sister since she's moved here. We have been distant since I've moved and we had been living such different lives but now that she's moved here perhaps we can be more in sync. I have gained some friendships that might last a lifetime - I will never know but I would hope so. Perhaps you can say that me passing my exams is an achievement but I don't quite know why I don't see it as that. Is it because I see no light at the end of the tunnel still and I would still bear the possibilites of being jobless at the end of it? 

If anything, me being able to run and complete a 5k run is more of an achievement to me compared to me passing my exams? I also ran a half marathon last year but strangely enough, I don't see the point of running more marathons. I want to also be fitter and stronger (but here I am, typing on my computer and not doing weight training when I can).

As much as I hate life, I have to live it anyway so I might as well set some aspirations this year. 

read more - i know i wouldn't end up reading that much, but it would be nice to do so. 

study more and maybe set some career goals and aspirations this year - i have been unmotivated in my medical journey this far and while people have excelled and set goals to go overseas for fellowships (as much as i want to), i really have not been trying that hard. high school me would've been really disappointed at myself. 

i dont really know if i want to be happier because i feel like im the happiest when im angry at life. i want to be able to rant unashamingly and hate life loudly so no, i will not say that i want to be happier and less angry about things. 

and lastly, to write more and to create more. I bought a fujifilm tx4 and have a film camera but i also have not been shooting as much / developing my films. but perhaps I should.