Record ii

Haven't been sleeping much lately.

I lay in bed for hours everyday, waiting, anticipating for myself to fall asleep, to just black out. But the more I wait, the worse it gets. I know that I shouldn't be forcing myself. I know that it's unhealthy but things just aren't as simple.

and last night, i was thinking about a whole bunch of things (also includes having another existential crisis, as if i haven't had enough of those).
- i was sad that i can never convey my thoughts in words
- then i started thinking how i could never understand people who just don't feel the things that i feel. music, poetry, words - these things make me feel in such a deep level i can't explain
- i started being envious of them
- maybe things would be so much easier if i lived life as straightforward as them
- then suddenly i started to think of that one friend that i've lost
- i guess i thought i was okay with not having a closure and just let things run its course
- but apparently im not okay with it
- i started thinking if i should talk things out
- but i was scared
- i was scared that i would come across as vulnerable
- as pathetic
- i was scared that he would judge me
- as someone who doesn't have friends and hang onto past friendships because they're the only things that i have in life
- and i was thinking... he wouldn't be wrong
- i was thinking maybe im just too pathetic and i have no life
- because i've turned into someone who people just don't wanna be friends with
- because im uninteresting
- and then i was thinking why the hell am i so attached.
- when all of these don't matter
- at all.
- then my mind suddenly just started wandering off to different issues
- such as how rich people will always be the privileged ones
- i look back to the town where i was living in
- not many people have the means to learn what i've learned because they just simply wasn't exposed to things like these early on in life
- i really can't blame them
- and then i started thinking why do people always just assume that studying overseas means you're better
- why are we so hard-wired to think that everything english is better
- why
- and then i got reminded that everything happens
- out of cause and effect
- i tried to make sense out of it
- i hope that one day i will truly unerstand
- and so many racial issues, so many prejudices, so many things will one day resolve

and you ask, what is the point of me writing this.
i have no readers anyway lol but
I read somewhere that insomnia happens when you're not using as much energy (be it mentally or physically) in the day and so you spend the rest of your night wanting to compensate that. so i figured, maybe writing all my feelings out in the daytime would help me sleep better at night.

also, im proud to say that i started meditating again today.

i totally understand how people don't get meditation. it's probs because they don't need it. but when you're a fucked up person like me, meditating does do you some good. it helps slow down your thoughts and just makes you a more reasonable person. with all the messed up stuff going round in the world lately, it's great that i can find some kind of outlet to depend on, to find some reasons as to why all this shit is happening.