so i received a message from Friend A today. Friend B, which i have talked a lot about in this blog, messaged her asking what's happened between the 2 of them. why the fallout and why aren't they talking to each other anymore.
p.s friend b had fallouts with everyone so this has to mean it's not only me right???? -> this is me trying to tell myself that it's okay that i kinda lost this friend
i suddenly felt a strong sense of jealousy (??) towards friend A...? why didn't he message me though? why hasn't he wondered about us then?? does he not care? did our relationship not matter to him then? does he not know im still confused?? like i dont even know if i've entirely lost him or not?
but then it all made sense to me after a while. i am probably not relevant to him anymore because he was the one who cut me off. he was sure of what we are right now but im not. he was the one who decided that i dont fit into his life anymore; but it was different for Friend A. Friend A was the one who did it first. She was the one who decided she's had enough of him and put an end to it. abruptly. just like how he did it to the rest of us.
hence im the one who's supposed to ask.
this made me think about the things that Friend C said about relationships. it's cliche, what she said. but it's annoying how it rings true in so many occasions.
"the only way you can make a relationship that's on the verge of ending hurt less is to end it first. so you can hurt the other person before they hurt you."
it sickens me to think that when there's no mutual understanding, one will get more scars than the other.
i've seen so many fallouts recently i'm just tired of it. it just reconfirms my doubts about relationships between people. sure, good things happen. but really, 2 people can never. NEVER be soulmates. unless you fake it.
ie: friend C is probably my closest friend right now. we've come to the point where we both kinda understand each other so much it's eerie? but still. i find times that i would be annoyed at her and that scares me a little because that just shows how relationships between 2 people can never. NEVER be perfect. and that irks me. im not even a perfectionist but this particular thing, scares me.
and it scares me even more that i now think that my family doesnt understand me anymore. have i changed? or was it just because i was blinded back then? i used to think of my family as the only people who're the ones who actually get me. but looking back, what do they know about me and WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT THEM? i know nothing. i know their birthdays, their habits, but do i actually know them? i dont think so.
that fucking scares me.
also. every single trip back to malaysia makes me more confused about myself. i've been struggling to find who i am for the past few years and taking trips back home certainly doesn't help. coming back home makes me feel that im living a pretentious life when im not at home. but when im not in malaysia, i tend to think the at-home-me is nothing but a story, i feel disconnected to the person who's back in malaysia. i dont actually know which part of me is genuine. i feel like i live 2 lives and none of me is actually true? is it bad to say that i feel a bit scared to go back home???????
what do i believe in? which part of me is true and which is not? I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA and that upsets me. not just a little. quite a lot.
2017 is looming, im 22 next year, and i still dont know who i am. holy fucking shit though, i can't believe im past the 20 year old mark. i remember seeing my 20-something-year-old cousins and thinking that they're so adult, but now that ive reached this age, im just confused. like what the hell. how the fuck have i lived 21 years. i feel like i just started living like last year. but im already tired of it.
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